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The family home on Walsh St. had four small bedrooms and ten people living in it, so you can imagine lots of toes got stepped on. Literally—as we ran up the same narrow staircase others were coming down. But also figuratively—in the many daily interactions that felt unfair or didn’t go one’s way. The fact that my brother got a bigger piece of pie than me. Or that my sister got to ride “shotgun” while my brother was stuck in the back. Or that I had to clean the bathroom again this week when it was also my turn last week. Or that a younger sibling broke a prized toy placed on a high shelf for safekeeping.
Our parents did a pretty good job of honoring the feelings involved—the verbalization of the injustice, the tears, the anger—for about ten minutes. My mom was especially great about saying, “Now I realize that hurt, didn’t it?” But if one continued to pout for long…. If one continued to bring it up or locked oneself in the attic… well, then you were in danger of receiving the most dreaded title ever to issue from my parents’ mouths: “Mr. Glad-to-Be-Sad.” *
It was usually given in a gentle, teasing fashion by my father. As in, “Come on now, don’t be Mr. Glad-to-Be-Sad” or “Oh, looks who’s coming to table for dinner. It’s Mr. Glad-to-Be-Sad.” It was a good indicator that, at least in my parents’ estimation, the time to be aggrieved had run its course and it was time to move on.
I’ve been thinking about this label a lot in recent weeks—well, really for years now, but especially again in the last week while scrolling on social media and reading Apple News. And I wonder if as a nation, as a church, as individuals, we haven’t fallen into the trap of becoming “Mr. Glad-to-Be-Mad,” which I see as a bit more dangerous than being “Glad-to-Be-Sad.”
Anger, like all emotions, is a clue from our body that something is happening that is worth paying attention to, and paying attention is important. When I was researching the neuroscience of emotions to write Redeeming Conflict, I learned that our emotions evolved over a vast period of time as a way to quickly make us aware of anything that might be important for our survival and thriving as a species. They are meant to help us take life-preserving actions that will allow us to pass on our gene pool to the next generation. But they may not always be worth acting upon. Sometimes we’ll have reactions to things that were dangerous to humans in the past, but not so much in the present. And sometimes their usefulness can get out of whack. We can think we need to act when maybe we don’t. Or we can think we are reacting in meaningful, effective ways when maybe we aren’t. This doesn't serve our common life well.
When I was researching social media while working on #Rules_of_Engagement, I read a number of studies that discussed how the algorithms of various platforms are set up to make us “Glad-to-Be-Mad.” Recognizing that people who are angry stay online longer (which is in the best interest of the platforms for running ads), platforms elevate to the top of the feed posts which will arouse readers, feeding us a pretty steady diet of anger (which is not actually in our own best interest). Moreover, people who respond to and share such posts often believe that they have done something positive to address the issue at hand, whereas there is little evidence that sharing alone produces change in issues people rightly care about. More effective is to write a letter to the person responsible, join a physical march, donate to a cause, or get personally involved locally.
In every book that I have written there is at least one thing (generally more) that I would say differently if I were to do a re-write. Sometimes even something that I’ve changed my mind about. For #Rules_of_Engagement, the main thing I’ve changed my mind about is the capacity of social media platforms to bear the weight of political and ecclesial conversations about our lives together. I used to have more hope social media could be useful in that way. I used to make statements occasionally myself about contentious issues in the news or elections. I’ve stopped doing so unless there is a concrete action attached to it—i.e. “Here is a place to donate that I trust” “Here is something you can sign that will go to the right people” “Here is the address of someone you can write about that.” And unless the issue means enough to me that I'm willing to something more about it than hit "share," I'm trying not to say anything about it online at all.
If anger is not directed toward action that is intended to result in positive change, it has lost the purpose for which it came to exist in the history of time and leaves us simply “Glad-to-Be-Mad” (and sometimes not even Glad). One of my favorite lines in all of Redeeming Conflict came to me from an Aquinas Institute colleague, Michael Stancil, who said to me about my own propensity for outrage, “Ann, you want your anger to be like a coursing river, not a finely diffused mist.” Is it going somewhere that could result in actual change or is it just feeding a cloud of toxicity?
This coming week (August 7), the gospel reading of the day is the story of the Canaanite woman who gets ignored or dismissed by Jesus three times. It’s kind of hard to read when you think about it in that light, but look closely at the text and you’ll see it’s true. She has a major choice to make in that moment. She could slam the door on her way out…. and I don’t think she’d be wrong to do so! But with much creativity, she chooses to de-escalate the situation by exercising charity and good humor, while keeping her eyes on the prize that she wants: the healing of her daughter. She has my greatest of admiration. By the end of the story, you can see that had Jesus’ as well. I preach about it here (will be posted by August 6th if not immediately available).
We live on a small planet that is getting snugger by the day for the number of people trying to live on it. I suspect we are going to need the same kind of creativity as the Canaanite woman if we are going to make this work.
Meanwhile…
- Don’t have a copy of Redeeming Conflict or #Rules_of_Engagement? We can fix that!
- Did you notice that the second season of Waking Up Goliath: The Redeeming Power Interviews has now launched? Please follow! There are about seven more episodes that will be coming between now and late September.
- I worked with RENEW International on a six-week discussion guide called Many Voices One Spirit to help break down polarization in US life. You can get as many copies as you can use at absolutely no cost to you or your parish! All you have to pay is postage. Doesn’t get better than that, right?
*My sister disagrees with this statement and thinks that it might be when Mom said she was being "flippant."
(photo by Steve Johnson, Unsplash)